Epiphany
by Lydian Stone
Summary: "This place is my home!" She heard the words echo around interrogation as though it were a proclamation, a vow, an epiphany. First chapter is Kate's revelation, second chapter is Castle's. SPOILERS for Watershed.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is what I was imagining (hoping) was going through Kate's mind in interrogation, but I guess we'll have to wait until September to know for sure. I wrote this quickly so it may be a bit raw, but I wanted to put it out there.**

**AM owns it all, and wields it as he sees fit.**

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**Chapter 1**

"This room is my home!"

She heard the words echo around interrogation as though it were a proclamation, a vow, an epiphany.

All her life she had worked tirelessly to do more, be more; to make a difference by being an ever sharper instrument of justice. She just had always assumed that it would be within the confines of the five boroughs. She never once had aspirations of something on a national scale and on some level judged Feds as heartless, as though not staking a local claim was a character flaw.

But she could be more.

More than what? She thought back on her interview, tugged her fingertips through her hair as she paced. He said _her _record was commendable _her_ closure rate was exemplary, but it had been years since it had been hers alone. The truth was, she couldn't claim those accolades independently.

She came back from the interview hating herself for keeping it secret, but really, it wasn't supposed to come of anything but a chance to feel that she had earned an interview. After her mother died and her father's stint of alcoholism she looked for outside affirmation. Neither situations were her fault, but the feeling of inadequacy spurred her to cling to her work, finding fulfillment in stats and reviews, advancements and most of all gratitude from victims. But once a case was over there was another family for which she could bring either disappointment or closure. One case would end and the cycle started over.

She had stepped on the plane to gauge her professional worth. She had no illusions about it going further than that. She wasn't even sure she _wanted_ it to go farther than that – until it did.

Throughout this last case, every verbal volley she had with Castle, every time Esposito and Ryan supported the investigation by digging deep, every time she looked at the whiteboard and saw a culmination of a team effort, it made her feel hollow.

On paper she wanted the job. On paper she was qualified for it, but the reality was she stood on the shoulders of others and it was the perfect combination of people who made her exceptional.

It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and the biggest catch 22 of her life.

Professional success vs. her one shot at a personal relationship that would lead to the proverbial picket fence that she had always wanted and feared.

She knew she could adapt to the new job. She would work tirelessly to learn, to work with a new team and succeed. Professional obsession was her old friend.

Still, her dad was right. She'd never been this far into a relationship and while success in DC was within her control, this relationship with Castle was not something she could direct alone. She had always feared failure, and no matter how strong a relationship, there were no guarantees.

She loved Castle, so much so that the loss of him would cripple her. Yet part of her, the insecure nineteen year old, wondered if she was worth following, worth fighting for despite the distance. If Castle weren't in the picture she would have been elated and already packed to move to such an exciting and high profile job. She would have the position that was too much of a pipe dream to even be in her ten-point plan. She would have everything she ever wanted professionally. She would have left the 12th with bittersweet feelings for her team and she would make an effort to keep in touch, but it wasn't Ryan and Espo that gave her pause, it wasn't leaving the city she loved.

It was _only _Castle that made the move a formidable decision.

She stormed around the room, nearly forgetting that she was interrogating a suspect. Then it hit her.

It was her last interrogation and she was in the room alone.

She folded her arms and faced away from the suspect.

Maybe being around a writer nurtured her penchant for symbolism, but she felt unsettled. What would it be like, really be like, to not have Castle ever in the interrogation room with her again? What would it be like to see a horrific case and know that his arms were states away? What if he needed her? If Alexis were kidnapped when Kate was on assignment, she might not even know. Even if he did follow her to DC and they had the closest thing to a picket fence her job would allow, would she call to tuck her daughter in at night as Jordan Shaw had done? Kate thought about her parents tucking her in at night and how her mother would not have given the little time she had to work more and read fewer bedtime stories.

She had thought that she would resent Castle if she chose him over this opportunity. But what would Jordan Shaw resent at the end of her life?

As Detective Beckett looked at the room reflected in the one-way mirror what she wanted became so much clearer.

She took a deep breath and gathered calm from the room that knew her so intimately. She turned to the suspect and again declared with a gleam in her eye.

"This _is_ my home!"

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**Well, that's my quick take on this. I'd love to hear your thoughts.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I felt like I should get inside Castle's head just to be fair. I haven't been reading post-eps so I have no idea what's been posted, but this was what I imagined his reasoning was. I admit that when the finale ended my exact thoughts were, "Okay, that was . . . well . . hmmm." I didn't immediately love it, but I felt like I had to process what had happened below the surface and it slowly pulled me in and now I can appreciate it. So much was not said which left a lot of room for interpretation. I am not all that keen to read proposal fics all summer, but I love the introspection throughout the episode. Speaking of introspection . . . **

**Chapter 2**

_You don't hold back. _

His mother had her moments and that was certainly one of them.

He slipped the ring on the tip of his pinky and inspected it as he had done so many times before over the past few months.

The truth was he had held back one other time. His first proposal should have been to Kyra, but she had boarded a plane and he had stayed. He had been gutted over losing her, but losing Kate would destroy him.

With Meredith it had been a frantic knee-jerk reaction. There had been a plus sign and proposing had been the right thing to do, at least it felt like it had been in the instant he got down on one knee in the bathroom and blurted the words. It had been hasty, but when the adrenalin had abated he hadn't regretted asking. Their whole relationship had been one chaotic adventure. He had been as much a part of the rash pace of it as Meredith, but where he had been committed to her, she had treated their relationship as just a phase. He had been gutted on behalf of Alexis, who continued to be a casualty.

Rick tipped his head back and sighed. How two impulsive people ended up creating the most rational being on the planet he'll never understand.

In the aftermath of Meredith, Rick had been determined not to get that emotionally entangled with someone again.

Then came Gina, his publisher, his friend. He had craved the company of a woman who didn't want him to sign her chest. They'd go for lunch, started talking more and ended up together without it being a conscious decision on his part. He had been attracted to her and they had fit. Marriage had been the logical conclusion.

Gina had always been in control, focused. She had known what she wanted and she had laid out expectations for him professionally and personally. She had picked out her ring and might as well have given him a power point presentation on how to propose to her. He hadn't minded. She had been certain enough of their relationship for the both of them. She wouldn't run off on a whim, she had been good for him in many ways and while she never had been overly affectionate with Alexis, she had been better with her than anyone else he had considered dating.

He had loved his second wife in a companionable way, but he had held parts of himself back, always feeling that they had a contract rather than a vow. In the end she had pushed too hard and he had started resenting being her professional and domestic puppet. They had grown apart and as with all aspects of their relationship, Gina had taken the initiative and drawn up divorce papers. That time, Rick hadn't been gutted, just disappointed. Signing the documents had felt like just another day at Black Pawn.

The author wasn't sure which had been more pathetic, his melodramatic devastation over Meredith or his apathy in the face of his second divorce.

After Gina, he had rebelled and enjoyed being impulsive again. He hadn't been as reckless as he had been in his younger years, but he hadn't guarded his words or actions nearly as much as he had around Gina. He had enjoyed his life without expectations. He had hit the party scene when he needed to. He hadn't immersed himself in it, but he hadn't minded it, either. He had liked playing the rogue and there had been little risk of anyone getting close enough to hurt him again.

He just hadn't planned on a murder, and a mystery and a muse.

Kate had been nothing that he had ever expected. He had had no precedent for the beautiful, intelligent, and very intense woman. As a result he had devoted years to not just observing her but learning her. He had to claw and scratch for each inch, but that had been part of her allure. It had been a gift each time she had let him uncover a tender patch. She had let him speak into some of the darker places of her life; sacred ground where he alone could tread and he was not ready to forsake it.

He wasn't perfect. He could be annoying and badger her. He could infuriate her with a smirk and he could get so far into his writing zone that a whole day could pass with no interaction. But everyone was entitled to his or her quirks. His flaws that lie deeper were the ones in question.

Oh Kate had her demons, but she wasn't the only one. Castle was devoted to those whom he truly loved, and he had a crippling fear of losing them. Even before Alexis had been kidnapped he feared for her safety every time she walked out the door. As much as he complained about his mother, she had been his one constant in life and he feared the day when her physical and mental health would decline. That fear drove him to be cautious when it really counted.

Kate was standing at a crossroads and he had brazenly declared that DC and a relationship with him were mutually exclusive options. He had been angry, he felt betrayed and insanely insecure so when she confessed he had reacted rashly.

But Kate wasn't Meredith, who never took anyone else's life into account. Kate wasn't Gina who had made him feel like a professional accessory.

Kate wasn't even Kyra.

When Kyra had left he had sat idly and licked his wounds. Maybe he hadn't been ready then, maybe it hadn't been the right time all those years ago, but he eventually had closure and he was thankful that he knew that it would have been wrong, or at least not as right. He had seen Kate and Kyra side by side and even then he knew that beside Kyra stood proof that his ex-girlfriend was no longer his ideal.

Kate wasn't perfect, but she was perfectly complimented to him.

There was no way he would watch her walk away.

He was ready to propose.

A few days before he never would have thought it was the time. Kate had been sending him mixed signals, alternately clinging to him then being almost aloof. It was fluctuating so much he wasn't sure where he stood with her.

The ring felt too hasty and too calculated all at once in his palm and he wondered if that combination made the decision right or foolish.

He tried to think from her perspective and came to the realization that Kate was not making a decision based on now. For now they were in a good place, but she was looking five years down the road. If she turned the job down, the opportunity would be lost forever. Where would their relationship be five years from now? She had to choose between a promising future that was a safe bet, or gamble the chance of a lifetime solely on him.

He knew that she loved him as much as he loved her, but his past was against him and their road never had been an easy one.

Since Kate's signals had been all over the place, he decided that he needed to make a stand_. _Even if it crippled him, even if she flat out rejected him, he needed to throw her an anchor and as much as it terrified him, he had to do it for her, for them. He had justifiable abandonment issues, but for her, he would splay himself open and bleed of vulnerability.

Despite the timing, he would not propose an ultimatum; only a free will offering. She needed assurance that no matter what, whether she was in New York or DC, five years down the road she would be with him. No matter what she decided professionally, she did not need to worry that their relationship was conditional.

He knew a Federal task force was not another shadowing opportunity. What pained him more than anything when he thought of DC was how much he'd miss working with her. They had building theory down to an art form. They were in sync, not just he and Kate but Ryan and Esposito as well. He had never been so fulfilled doing anything in his life. And it would be a tough blow not to be able to deduce motive, to knit together scraps of evidence, never again to calm her with a touch when she struggled after seeing the body of a child, not being able to see her roll her eyes at him when he was being intentionally ridiculous. He would mourn those daily interactions.

But how much more would he miss the feeling of waking up with her in his arms, making breakfast in their coordinated routine, being dragged outside for a walk when he'd cooped himself up writing for days, being soothed when his fears about his daughter crippled him. Then there was the future, he'd be giving up the chance of one day cradling a newborn, of supporting each other through the inevitable loss of his parent and hers, of holding her hand through the years as his laugh lines turned to wrinkles and her hair paraded through many more styles and ended gray.

If he had a cosmic choice between their status quo and serious upheaval for the sake of five, ten or thirty years from now, then his decision was easy.

For years he had been willing to go to hell and back with her. They had survived so much so why should a change of job, a change of location and routine present such an obstacle when they had defied bombs, freezers, PTSD, and bullets? He had committed himself to her long ago.

What he held in his hand was not just a vow but the evidence that he was not a gamble.

The first proposal was on a whim, the second on a schedule. This was the real deal, and he was done holding back.

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A/N: I'm not going to write a tag to the proposal scene, but I can recommend one that nicely compliments this. Click over to eyrianone's 'One Thing' if you'd like to see how I'd love to see this play out.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay, I really was finished with this, and even felt closure through Eyrianone's "One Thing," a perfect proposal follow it up, (check it out - I marked it as a favorite so you can click over from here) but then I got a review, about Kate saying "This is about my life," and I have to admit I agreed with Aussiecate, I hated that line, (and I think the writers need to get new argument material for future season finales). But, at the same time, real people are flawed and good people lash out at each other. We just don't want to see our fictional favorites being insensitive (and dare I say actually human). With that in mind, and because I'm not on Kate's side, or Castle's - just Team Caskett, I wrote this to make it better.**

**I should also add that I wrote this from Castle's perspective. He is not blameless in everything, but this chapter is him processing the words that would have stung the most.**

**Chapter 3**

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_"There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil."_

_Jane Austen_

_Pride & Prejudice_

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He's holding her in his arms in the middle of the night, far from sleep. She's not wearing his ring, but looking back he hadn't really expected her to say 'yes,' not after tensions had been so high. Despite her earlier outburst, he meant every word, and he could work with a tear-filled hopeful promise of 'not yet.'

He rested his brow at the back of her head as she subconsciously hugged his arm closer to her heart. He opened his palm to cover the soft material of her pajamas (his well-worn t-shirt) that hid her scar then he inhaled the scent of her hair. It smelled of home. When the smell transitioned from pure excitement to fulfillment, he didn't know, but he had thought he'd have to adjust to living without it. He hadn't been keen on that outcome, and it hadn't been the first time he had contemplated, no _expected,_ his life to go on without her and that gave him pause.

"This is about MY life."

_No, Kate, not anymore. _

But did she really understand that? After all, he'd heard versions of that piercing blow before from her; in fact the past two Mays he had been dealt a similar blow. Did that make him weak? Too forgiving? Did that minimize their relationship or negate all other life-affirming sentences that she'd ever said to him? All the times she said she loved him, both through word and touch? All the loaded looks, all the teasing, all the affection?

He had known the power of words since he attended boarding school. It would take an insurmountable heap of assurances to erase those five words. No, similar words had not been wiped away in the past, and they'll never be completely forgotten because they hadn't been typed on a page of his heart, they had been etched with a chisel.

For three Mays in a row she'd been wrapped up in something monumental which she had held close to her chest. For three years he had confronted her, called her on being self-absorbed, then stood his ground. He didn't feel like a doormat, but the evidence didn't speak well for him.

Then again, each time he had been determined to stand his ground, and each time after an explosive argument she'd taken varying lengths of a hiatus to regroup, akin to adult time-outs which had lasted much longer than a minute for each year of her life.

He remembered when Alexis was younger that she had gone through a phase where she would throw fits if she didn't get her way. He had known that she needed to have space to calm down and only then had she listened to anything he said. Only then his words held weight. Over a period of time she had evolved into a very generous young woman. Having a child helped him to realize that all loved ones have an ugly side, but that didn't make him stop loving them, or forgiving them just as it didn't keep them from loving or forgiving him when he was insensitive.

He understood early on that Kate had nursed a defensive coping mechanism of epic proportion for over a decade. It had seeped into the essence of who she was.

Her confident independence had caught his attention from when she first flashed her badge at him. She was a natural born leader and had an unassuming magnetism without even being conscious of it. She didn't bow to professional or political pressure but sought the truth and went after it. She saw a victim and focused on getting him or her closure. She had believed in his innocence even when the evidence Tyson had planted was against him, she defied protocol by hugging him and holding his hand in the precinct through Alexis' kidnapping. She forged strength from her own tragedies and used it for others, for him.

That independence was healthy for their relationship in a lot of ways. She could deal with his inconsistent life and be okay with him disappearing to write or going on publicity tours without becoming resentful and they extended each other grace when plans were broken. She was far from clingy, but she let him know how much she desired to be with him. She was the embodiment of his ideal, one that he breathed into life on the pages of his past four novels.

The only problem was that the same passion taken to an extreme meant that she had spent her adult life determined to emotionally isolate herself by keeping a safe distance from all perceived threats. That pattern of thinking wouldn't be broken over night, or apparently over several years worth of nights. He had been the only threat who had managed to woo her, but she still felt pangs of anxiety when she thought of relying on him long-term. She had relied on her father for nineteen years without question and would have never thought he would fall apart on her, but he had. How can she know, _really_ know, that such disappointment wouldn't happen again. She couldn't. She had to trust and that frightened her.

He knew not just from a Jane Austen quote that was rolling around in his mind, but from his experience as a father, and a writer, that the more extreme the positive trait, the more severe the accompanying defect. Kate was not a subtle person. If she were going to protect someone, she would do it to the death. But the flip side was, when she needed to protect her heart, she wouldn't just run away, she would knock a guy down, punch his jaw and send him running to make sure he would decide that she wasn't worth his effort.

What he realized though, was that in the past three springs when she would shove and punch, he would stand there with a metaphorical bruised jaw, arms crossed and challenge her. That didn't make him weak, that made him patient. Each time it happened was a chance for him to prove to her that he wouldn't bail on her, and she couldn't force him to give up on her, either. He matched her obstinacy with resilience. Each time the conflict had resulted in growth between them and so he persisted.

He had invested in a relationship that couldn't be destroyed by an annual fit of temper, and he held no illusions that she wouldn't lash out at him ever again. He also knew she would never stop trying to be more than who she had been the previous May. She went to counseling for not just for herself, but for him, for them, and she had been making strides that he wouldn't have thought possible. But, old patterns persist. For how broken she was, for how fragile and maddeningly selfish at times, she had softened from being the defiant detective whom he had met five years before, and the only reason she would have shown him any vulnerability had to be because she loved him deeply. She was learning to trust him, but it was a process.

He closed his eyes and felt her small form pressed against him.

_No, not against; beside._

He felt her _beside_ him, and knew exactly what his future held. He looked forward to many more years of her in his arms, of one day hearing an emphatic 'yes' and in five, ten and thirty years in the future proving that she had made the right choice by committing herself wholly to him. He wanted to look back on how fulfilled his life had become because of this woman, and he hoped that the five words which had addled his mind today would be eclipsed in his memory by another four, "I just want you." and that those would join novels full of promises, all fulfilled. He wanted to look back and see how they took this moment and used it to make themselves more, and that could only happen if he forgave her. Not because he thought he had to in order to appease her but because he chose to see the bigger picture, and he loved her, even the difficult parts of her, enough to refuse to dwell on a record of her sins.

Still, he made a mental note to ask Paula to schedule a European publicity tour for next May.

_Hmmm, make that every May just to be safe._

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"Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less."

Julius Gordon

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A/N: This doesn't excuse Kate, but only attempts to explain that it's natural that she would have this side as part of her. It seeks to justify why Castle didn't drop-kick her to the curb (as some seem to think he should have done). Anyone in a healthy marriage will tell you that it takes forgiveness and grace on both sides to stay close through the years, but it's always worth the effort. Still, I'm bracing myself for what your response to this will be, so never mind me, I'm just gonna . . . go over there . . . and . . . yeah . . .


End file.
